As part of my transformation from Maiden to Mother/Woman, I have felt patterns + beliefs hanging in the air like a smoky haze, with a grittiness thats chaffing against my expanding self calling my attention to recalibrate and shift my programming to be aligned to my souls truth instead of an expectation that I’ve connected into as a child.
I am doing a lot of dismantling of my perception around sex and rather than it being a dirty disgusting part of me that shouldn't be discussed because of the unhealthy belief I picked up in my childhood, I am seeing it as beautiful and not as I thought. I can feel the old hazy heavy energy hanging around me like a template I used to subscribe to transforming and I can feel a higher vibrational, healthy clean template dropping in to create from. I can feel that this also relates to the transformation from maiden to woman. I picked up on this when i felt I was still relating to my relationship with my husband as a 16 year old. My beliefs around sex and relationships was still operating from my 16 year old self. This heavily links into my self worth of my whole life. If I am not attractive, I am not worth loving. I have always worn makeup to not be seen as the real me. This further links to - If I am not nice and good, I won't be loved, I won't be accepted, I will be abandoned. Sex in my family was shameful and very unhealthily expressed in both directions. I have always had such a deep sensual aspect of myself that I didnt understand or know how to express in a way that was loving for myself. My first sexual awareness + experience was at 4, I don't know if i was exposed to this from my parents sexual nature or if it was just the way I was. I played a lot with other kids, us all touching ourselves and each other, I really enjoyed it but also knew it was wrong and to hide it from adults. But from these early interactions I was highly highly sexual and had no idea what was going on from a childs perspective, just that I liked it but it was very wrong according to adults. At 14 I had my first intercourse experience, In my teens I overtly and unhealthily projected this sexual side to be 'loved' and then I shut that completely down when I became engaged at 19 because it wasn't what good girls did.
I have also recognised that marriage as I have known it, isn't aligned to me any longer. My belief has been, you marry the love of your life and you stay married forever. I still want this for myself but instead of me feeling it energetically as more stagnant + structured, I’m feeling it more as a divine love, with no structure or holds, a deeper love, a more expansive growth, there is room now for it to meld and change. Its wide and open, not linear. I don't relate to it from my previous human perspective, I see it much more multidimensionally. I have also recognised a pattern that I have held my husband to, my expectation has been for him to inspire my sexuality, that he must do the work, not me and I had an almost annoyance/disappointment that he hadn't - something that was brought to my attention by Susana Frioni. What I now understand is that the inspiration has to come from me internally, if I want to see the changes, I need to make the changes.
When I have been observing these patterns within myself and energetically, I’ve witnessed it as a brown haze that I am intentionally pushing down into Mother Earth to transform and transmute. I am then consciously calling in a new template to work from. I do this by not having an expectation of what a divine relationship or a healthy sexual being looks like, I am just open with the intention that I will come to understand this. Energetically I see it dropping in like golden light, almost like raining from the sky across the world and down into Mother Earth. I feel uplifted and a sense that I know this new paradigm but cant quite articulate it in words just yet. I find that not having an expectation of something allows the drop in so much more powerful and awe-inspiring and magical - and much more than I ever could think up from my human self perspective.
........If I go even deeper again, here is a little around what I have been exploring in my energetic body on a multidimensional level.... for some of you this will seem like I am a bit nuts, when I view this from a human perspective, I agree, I sound a bit bonkers.
I seem to be doing some kind of bonding with the elements and playing around with sexual energy and light within my chakras. This started with consciously expanding gold white light between my husband and I when we are in the act of having sex, thats not the right way to explain it, we aren't making love either, we are creating?
Anyway, I have been exploring this independently from there with self pleasure, I consciously focus light in a particular chakra, mostly I have been working with the sacral and the base and as I come to orgasm the light grows and grows and then I send it all through my chakras, channel and light body. I sense this is doing a healing and a clearing and a vibration lift. I can see it is working multidimensionally.
A few weeks ago, I had an overwhelming impulse to bond with the ocean and the sun, I felt myself drawing this energy up through my base/energy column and it felt deep and sensual and erotic and deep dark blue, magical and highly erotic and had a depth I can't really explain. I felt like I was making love to the ocean but not it the sense that we know it, it was like a bonding and embodiment and so pleasurable. I felt like I became the ocean in a sense. The same scenario happened again yesterday but this time with Earth. It was deep dark, nourishing, like a wet rich soil, deeply nourishing, dirty, deeply erotic to the point where I can not get enough of it and want it to be physical but at the same time so much deeper than physical can be. I again felt like I bonded with the earth, like it was all in me and we were the same. When i write this now, it almost feels like my mind is segregating them as elements but they are really just parts of me that I am reclaiming and embodying - I feel more whole. I also have a bit of anger feeling like this is me and how dare you see me different. I feel like there is such a deep dark part of me that I have hidden and surpressed and she is strong and fierce and she feels more like me than I have ever known.............
Thats it from me